Gratitude in Retrospect

Over the last few days, I've been mentally and emotionally preparing for the possibility that I might look like Amy Winehouse soon.

I've been very slow to respond to the topical treatments and the antibiotics I've been taking for a tooth infection... I could eventually lose the tooth if nothing starts working for me. It happens to be the same tooth Amy is missing. It will really really really really really really really really suck to look like her of course, but what will make it even worse, is that I'll be stone cold sober while doing so - I won't have a crack pipe and millions of dollars in the bank to comfort me. Does it make me a bad person to consider taking up a crack habit if I lose the tooth... just temporarily, until I can get an implant?

Gratitude in retrospect ('retro' is so in these days) is something I've been pondering as of late. It's a concept and practice I believe in as a means of not descending into useless thoughts of self-pity when unexpected hardships or physical pain arise. And nothing brings on the retrospective gratitude in me like a bad a** tooth ache!

Retrospective gratitude is not filled with the guilt and regret you feel when you realize you've taken someone or something for granted, and then your gratitude is too little too late. No, it's simply looking back fondly and with genuine gratitude on times that were better, times that were blessed, and without asking for anything in return. For instance, if I'm sad, if I feel like there's a hole in my heart that won't ever heal, I might say a prayer like, "Heavenly Father, I'm so thankful for all the moments in my life that I felt happy and care free. I'm grateful for all the times I smiled and laughed freely without sadness waiting to occupy my next thought". Or, if I have a toothache, I might say a little prayer in my mind like, "Heavenly Father, I'm so grateful for all the moments my tooth didn't hurt. For all the times I was completely unaware that I even had any teeth at all, for all the times I could carry on a conversation without being present yet absent - only thinking about the pain and not caring what I'm talking about," etc., etc..

Those are the kinds of things I think about, pray about, when I'm engaging in retrospective gratitude. And so I'm applying this method of being grateful, in advance even, to my Amy Winehouse situation. I say (to myself) and pray things like, "Heavenly Father, I'm so very very grateful for all the moments of my life when I didn't look like Amy Winehouse. I'm so grateful for all the times I smiled without wanting to be stoned out of my mind, or for wanting everyone seeing me smile to be stoned out of their minds too so they won't notice my missing tooth. I'm so grateful for all the times I smiled without having to concentrate on keeping my lips sealed, and for not even being conscious of having teeth, the way I don't notice I'm breathing."

I think these thoughts and prayers will help since I won't be stoned during the experience, if and when it happens. And it's not to say that it definitely will. I'm an optimistic realist after all. I'm optimistic that my tooth will win the war even though it's lost a few battles - but I also realize that it might not - so I'm trying to be prepared...

Owning the Mt. Rose Summit and Sophie mourns MJ

Matt and Marv (Matt's dad) took Eva and her friend Sadie to hike the Mt. Rose Summit (10,776 ft) on Saturday - and they OWNED IT!!! Woo hoo :)

Sadie and Eva on the summit overlooking Reno - they ROCKED!

Grandpa Marv has still got it goin' ON! Don't ever let him trick you into taking a 'little walk' - he'll school ya!

Thank you Flickr person for this pic

Mt. Rose is in the upper right corner

Thank you Flickr person for this pic

The trail is over ten miles round trip (this is the back side - from Reno). It took them 3 1/2 hours to make it to the top, and 3 hours back down. I really really really wanted to go, but someone needed to be home with Sophie, who isn't quite ready for that kind of hike yet. Those are the kind of sacrifices mother's have to make ;-)

This is the view from south east Reno - Mt. Rose being the highest point

Unfortunately, we only have pictures from Matt's camera phone because my camera wouldn't turn on. And unfortunately too, when I switched out the brand new batteries I had put in the camera for their hike the night before, with yet another set of brand new batteries - it turned on, which meant that not only did we only get low quality camera phone pics, but my hoped for upgrade upon hearing the camera wasn't working, was not to be :(

But thank goodness for lousy phone cameras, nonetheless.

Good job everybody!

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Sophie's devastation over the disappearance of the storm drain frog (see previous post) was nothing compared to her devastation upon hearing that Michael Jackson had died. One episode of Spongebob was about all it took to get over the frog - MJ's death was an entirely different story however.

On our way home from Idaho, and as we were pulling out the a Sonic in Twin Falls, my cell phone rang. It was Matt. He spoke in a 'you're not going to believe this' voice, and told me it had just been reported that Michael Jackson was dead. I replied with a 'you're right, I can't believe it' voice, and so of course the kids were dying to know what we were talking about. After I was off the phone and while I was unwrapping my hamburger and getting my french fires out and sipping my Diet Coke, I told them what I was so astonished about. Ella and Eva were surprised too. We were all talking about how weird it was and wondering what all went on etc., when suddenly, I heard someone sobbing in the back seat. I looked over my shoulder, and there was Sophie, with her mouth gaping open, trying to breathe, and with tears beginning to pour down her cheeks.

Then the scene unfolded something like this...

Sophie: *sob sob sob* "But I loved Michael Jackson." *sob sob sob* "I loved him." *sob sob sob*

Me: "Oh honey, I know you did... it's okay honey. We can still listen to his music."

Sophie: *sob sob sob* "Ooooh, why did he have to die?" *sob sob sob* "Oooooh nooo... he was my favorite singer" *sob sob sob*

Me: "I know honey, I'm so sorry. I know you loved him so much. It's okay honey, we still have his music."

Sophie: *sob sob sob* "What did he die of?"

Me: "He had a heart attack."

Sophie: *sob* "What's a heart attack?"

Me: "It's when your heart is sick and it stops beating."

Sophie: "Ooooh......." *sob sob sob sob sob* "Why we all have to die????" *sob sob sob*

Ella and Eva comforting her: "It's okay Sophie, we can still listen to him... everyone has to die... he's in heaven now... even Mom's going to die someday... oh, wait... I mean... we're all going to die someday... then we'll all be in heaven together... don't cry Sophie... it'll be okay..."

Sophie: *sob sob sob sob sob sob*

Me: "Let's turn on some Michael Jackson right now and we'll celebrate his great music."

Sophie: "Can we listen to 'Thriller'?"

Me: "Yes, we will listen to "Thriller'!"

Then she commenced to quietly weep while she ate her lunch.

A little bit later while listing to MJ, I hear sobbing again.

Sophie: *sob sob sob* "I want Michael Jackson alive... I want him alive again..." *sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob* "I wanted to see him in concert! *sob sob sob* (that was news to me)

Me: "That would have been so fun, I'm sorry honey."

Sophie continues to sob.

Sophie: Suddenly alarmed, "he won't be on youtube anymore!. 'Thriller' won't be on the computer!!!" *sob sob sob sob sob sob*

Ella and Eva: "Oh Sophie, 'Thriller' and 'Beat It' will always be on youtube, forever! We'll watch them when we get home... it's okay Sophie, we'll always have his music and videos."

Sophie: "Okay." quietly weeps.

Me: "When we get home, I'll play a song called 'Ben' he sang when he was really young that is about a rat - it's so sweet (:D)."

Sophie: *sniff sniff* "Okay."

She recovered her composure for most of the ride home, but the sobbing and wishes for Michael Jackson to be alive again were repeated several times throughout the day...

It all made me kind of forget what a freakazoid he had become - for a few hours at least! She's a keeper.